I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
