I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
