even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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