I am puke
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
