i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
