see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
