At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
These tits shall not be calmed
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
