you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
