Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
Randomize
