So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I AM VODKA MAN
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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