A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
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