Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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