Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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