I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
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