The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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