We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
