I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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