Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Randomize
