I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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