Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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