You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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