the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
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