i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
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