A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
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