Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
