Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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