and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
