I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
