matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
What did we do last night that was yellow?
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Randomize
