there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Randomize
