This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
