We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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