I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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