I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
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