I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
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