I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
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