Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
