I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
