im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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