My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
