my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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