I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
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