great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
