Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
