im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
Randomize
