I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I need to stop coming to work sober
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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