If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
