The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
