I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
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