I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
