This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I need to calm my uterus...
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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