matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
