I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
